Parenting from the Inside Out(Daniel J. Siegel, Mary Hartzell)

 1. Let's Reflect on Ourselves

"When you pay attention to your own experiences when you get angry at your child's behavior, you begin to realize how much your reactions have interfered with an ideal relationship with your children." (e-book p. 70)

There are moments when I get particularly angry at a specific behavior of my child. I ask myself, "Why does this action make me so angry?" and "Why am I reacting so sensitively?" I reflect on whether I, too, received negative feedback for the same behavior in the past.

By contemplating my anger and looking back at my past, I come to understand the root cause of my sensitivity to that particular action. I realize that my specific reactions are also responses stemming from past experiences. Therefore, to change my behavior, I must first acknowledge the origin of my reaction and then consider how to change. Through this process, I can restore my bond with my child and achieve deep self-reflection. My ingrained behavioral patterns are undoubtedly linked to past experiences. Rather than blaming the past, what is needed is an attitude of reflecting on one's own experiences and moving in a better direction.

2. The First Three Years Are the Most Important

"During the first three years of life, the connections between neurons increase tremendously, creating a very complex network. Genetic information influences how neurons connect during this period, determining the characteristics of the newly formed circuits in the brain." (e-book p. 274)

This is a point I always resonate with when reading various parenting books. A child's brain grows explosively during the first three years, and the experiences formed during this time lay the foundation for their habits and ways of thinking. That's why parents must carefully choose what experiences to provide during the critical period of the first 36 months.

Of course, one might think this effort is meaningless since the child will not remember most of these moments. However, just as the proverb "Old habits die hard" suggests, I believe this period is the most crucial for both the child and the parents. The effort a parent puts in will not disappear; it will be deeply engraved in the child's subconscious and growth, becoming nourishment for their future life.

3. Life Is Lifelong Learning

"Parenting is an opportunity for lifelong learning. Children provide us with the chance to form stronger relationships with ourselves and others." (e-book p. 606)

While raising my child, I often think back to my own childhood and learn new things every day. These are thoughts and lessons I would never have had without my child. For that, I am grateful for their existence, and I am continually learning to build more experiences and become a better person.

Of course, even without a child, life itself is a continuous journey of learning. Accepting new knowledge and skills is a natural task for a human being and a driving force that enriches life. We must constantly learn, think, and experience to grow. I believe that is what it means to live one's life to the fullest.

4. Let's Acknowledge Ourselves

"When you accept, you can move forward. If parents do not take responsibility for their own unresolved issues, they miss the opportunity to become better parents as well as the chance to develop themselves." (e-book p. 69)

The first step to change is 'acknowledgment'. When you make a mistake, blaming external factors by saying, "It's not my fault," may help you avoid immediate guilt, but fundamental behavioral change is impossible.

However, only when you admit your mistakes and humbly accept others' opinions can you move in a better direction. Just as it takes two hands to clap, no problem can exist without some influence from oneself. Therefore, if you do not acknowledge your role in a problematic situation, you can never change. This is still a difficult area for me, but when a problem arises, I try to take a step back and take the time to reflect on whether I had any fault.

5. Self-Reflection Fosters Greater Growth

"Looking back at the narrative of your life allows you to understand yourself more deeply, integrate your emotions into daily life, and honor the precious way of self-understanding. As your mind changes with self-reflection, you will feel your experiences with your child change as well." (e-book p. 116)

Raising a child deepens my own self-reflection. I wonder, "Was I like that when I was young?" which makes me realize my parents' love anew. I contemplate, "What if my parents had guided me this way?" and strive to be a better parent.

Through this process, I feel myself becoming stronger and growing. Giving the love I once only received, growing together with my wife through feedback even when we argue, and checking myself in the mirror of my child's reactions—all these are precious gifts I wouldn't have received without my child. To look back on myself through my child and become a better person, I must never lose the attitude of constant self-reflection.

6. A Parent's Guidance Shapes a Child's Character

"The experience of setting limits is very important for a child. It is related to developing a healthy sense of self-restraint by learning within the family that a desired action is unsafe or socially inappropriate." (e-book p. 462)

The boundary of "You shouldn't do this" is first learned at home. A child does not yet know right from wrong, so they internalize social norms and self-control through their parents' guidance and discipline. Telling a child "Everything is okay" unconditionally is tantamount to irresponsible neglect.

Just as every result has a cause, the root of a child's problematic behavior is likely due to improper discipline or education. This applies to us as adults as well. The root of actions that harm others may lie in misguided lessons from the past, and only by realizing and acknowledging this can one change. The most important thing for a child is 'home education.' Parents have a responsibility to set clear boundaries for their children and instill in them proper values.

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